What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Pool


      The ideal way to seduce your man is to play pool with him. It’s so simple and obvious. It vexes me when I consider how it took me almost fifty years to notice. Pool was definitely invented by a man. You ladies already know this, don’t you? You’ve been acting unaware, just to humor us.
      Damn.
      Think about what the game requires: lots of bending over. Leaning across a pool table, when towards the man, exposes cleavage. Bending over, taking a shot while facing away from the man exposes the fine curvature of the buttocks. On top of it all, taking a shot requires the wrapping of both hands to around a pole. (OK, in my case one hand will do, unless she’s a dwarf. I’m not proud.)
      So, it’s simple: If you want to seduce a man, suggest a game of pool.
      A woman wisely suggests that her man break. She uses the excuse that she isn’t strong enough to hit the rack of balls hard enough to cause an effective scattering. She offers to take care of the racking and—oopsie—forgets how to arrange the balls, which requires the man to rub up next to her and assist. Another clever ploy.
      The woman I played pool with this weekend had me all lathered up before my first 75 cents were gone. I tried to concentrate so she wouldn’t suspect I was letting her win or that I was an unskilled player (especially disturbing because I have a pool table in my living room). She had to lean over a corner and raise one leg to make a shot. I became aroused and forgot if I was stripes or solids. Ah, but I did discover a wise strategy to add to my enjoyment. Pool is all about cue ball placement. Henceforth, I consistently placed the cue ball as close to the center of the table as possible. Brilliant!
      No other sport, except perhaps naked tapioca wrestling, has such seductive qualities. Bowling does require posturing and bending, but it can’t be done while wearing heels. Similar to pool, bowling allows for (requires, if you ask me) alcohol consumption during the game. That always helps. Still, bowling balls are greasy and often cause broken nails and annoyed women. Granted, some women may get a rush from watching their men send pins flying, but the finishing pose with arm and leg lifted isn’t flattering.
      How about golf? Miniature golf, perhaps? She must bend slightly over the putter while striking. Not bad. True, there are sticks and holes involved. It could be considered a more monogamous game since it’s played one hole at a time instead of having six to choose from. Nah, it’s too goddamn frustrating trying to get the ball past that fucking windmill. I hate windmills. Windmills blow.
      So, pool it is. Not darts. Not paddleboats. Not skee ball. If you want to get a non-chemically induced rise out of your man, chalk your stick, bend over, and wink while he drools.

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