What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Plunger


Dear ReallyNiceGurl,
I really likes yer profile. I can tell you has you some nice boobies. Is they real? Wow. I have a nipple ring. Sexy, huh?
Check out my picture. I got that tattoo for my daughter. Well, you can't see it because it's on my lower back. I never met my daughter, but this officer keeps coming to my camper insisting I give him money for her. He said her name was Melonie or something, so, just to be safe I had my tattoo guy use the abbreviation: “I luv Melon.”
Anyways, tell me more about youself. Do you get out much? How many beers can you drink in one sitting? I can drink twenty. I did it last week, in fact, with cousin Skillet. We pounded down a bunch and then shot BB guns at each other. He shot me in the pecker. That wasn’t fair, so I peed blood on his Camaro. Guess I should get that checked, huh? I don’t know. I kinda like the swelling. Makes me feel like I’m hung like my pit bull Otis. Come to think of it, my pecker’s sorta red like the one on Otis too. Hope I don’t start shitting on the rug the way he does, ha ha.
I’m pretty smart. In fact, I almost made it through high school. Pop made me quit and go to work in his body shop. He said I was dumber than a lug nut. If that’s true then he’s dumber than crescent wrench. Sorry, you probably don’t even know what them things are, beings that you’re so pretty and stuff. I bet you cut hair. OK, then Pop’s as dumb as a bobby pin. You know what that is, right? Fuck, wish I had more hair on top. I can make a ponytail in the back. Momma always told me I look handsome with it. Pop asked if that’s how my boyfriend holds onto me. I ain’t got a boyfriend. Pop’s stupid. Jesus, don’t tell him I said that or he’ll beat me with that bike chain again. That fucker smarts, I tell ya.
Does you have any children? Want to? I wish I had me a little fucker to slap around. I sure could use some help around the camper too. Damn cousins are always coming over and leaving Cheetos all around. They end up getting ground into the rug. One time we sucked them orange crumbs up into a handvac and then dumped them into a bowl of bacon fat. It was kind of like salty oatmeal dip. Not bad, if you ask me. Yer probably more of a turkey and salad eater though, as I can tell you ain’t fat like my sister Agnes. Damn, she fat. It don’t stop the boys from coming around though. She has a pet raccoon and four or five kids last time I counted. Not bad for eighteen, huh? Yep, we Millers is a fertile bunch.
Make sure you write back to me quick. We need to go drink and screw. I have a pickup and can throw a mattress in the back. We can take it out into the desert, pound a box of wine, and fuck like minkses. Not sure I know what a minks is, come to think of it, but I hear they like to fuck a lot, like me.
Well, I got to go for now. Lunch break is over and I has to throw some sand down on that pool of oil over there. I hope your sweet ass gets back to me soon so we can get all romantic over some citronella candles and whiskey soon. Oh, I like to dance too; you should see me two-step. Write back, OK?
Tookie Miller
P.S. You can call me by my nickname, Plunger. My cousins nicknamed me that because every time I take a dump I need to get the plunger and fix the pot. Guess I needs more ruffage in my diet. Ha!

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