What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Pink Alert


      This alert is going out to all husbands and boyfriends. Beware: The woman in your life may be leaving you. You may have disappointed her and left her susceptible to the advances of other hungry dogs. Reinsert yourself, my man, or find her missing.
      The landscape is littered with dozen-year wives looking to escape. (I should know: I used to have one.) How did this happen? Times have changed. It seems women have evolved more quickly. They moved from needing a man to wanting a man. Watch the mothers of civilization skirt their inattentive men and be afraid ... be very afraid.
      What will happen when women select the genes used to create their offspring? They do that now in the form of mate selection, but women know that even the most wonderful man comes with undesirable traits. Think about it, ladies. If a scientist could fertilize your egg with a combination of the athletic ability of Tom Brady, the intelligence of Bill Gates, the charm of Colin Firth, the voice of Justin Timberlake, and the looks of Johnny Depp, how could you resist? In fact, would your man even realize or admit the genes weren’t his?
      This isn’t science fiction.
      Men are becoming obsolete. This is the reason unhappily married women are walking away in droves. In fact, many of these women sacrifice comfortable lifestyles to escape. They watch friends and celebrities remove the ring and proclaim, “You know what? I don’t need this. I need happiness, not contentment. I’m wonderful and enjoy the company of men who bring me pleasure, not ones who treat me like a maid, nanny, or roommate.”
      The orgasmic scales are tilting back toward the ladies too. Modern woman feels secure in her sexuality. She knows exactly where her pleasure buttons are and she can reach them herself (and when she can’t, she knows where to find the right tool—the one disconnected from ole knuckle-dragger). Women are enjoying sex more these days and they are brilliantly covert and subtle about it.
      So, what’s my strategy? How do I preserve my utility and avoid extinction? I’m not going the way of the cassette, floppy disc, and MySpace. I’m one of the men these women select on the way out of their marriages.
      I obsessively study all I can about the modern woman. Most men subscribe to Men’s Health, Maxim, GQ, or Sports Illustrated. (Guys, you do realize that these magazines are written by men, for men … mostly gay men.) Not I. My subscriptions include Cosmopolitan (read cover-to-cover every month and highlighted); Us Magazine; O, The Oprah Magazine; and In Style. I study women’s clothing, shoes, and jewelry. I read every popular chic-lit, self-help, and spirituality book that comes out. I see chic-flicks every chance I get, by myself, and note every line that elicits a reaction. I don't watch Jay, David, or Conan. I watch Chelsea.
      I have more changes on the way. I’m considering yoga, seeking a part-time job at a cosmetics counter, salsa lessons, and advanced cooking classes. All this while my brothers drive pick-up trucks to sports bars to watch MMA fights, discuss stock markets and power tools, and ogle the unobtainable bartender’s exposed thong as she reaches into the cooler for the beer TV says will make every man popular. Stay there, boys, while that prized possession of yours (that was your first mistake—thinking she belongs to you) slips from your grips.
      Prehistoric man has neglected his obligations, now he watches her fade away as the future man waits armed with the knowledge and desire to honor all she is.

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