What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

OKStupid Questions


      Obviously, I'll never find a mate there, but I had a little fun answering the silly questions.

Are you an aspiring actor/artist/writer or other creative type?
I'll do the writing around here and why must I be aspiring? Is the owner of this website an aspiring stupid question writer?
Without using a dictionary or other tool, can you choose the commonly misspelled word? Don't cheat! It's okay if you don't know. Separate, Definate, Committee.
Jezus, whut fuking dumass wuldunt kno thatt?
If you inadvertently found a phone number in a partner's pocket, which would you do?
I'd slap my partner then ask her to join us in the 90s and stop using napkins for fucking phone numbers when one can easily be typed directly into this handy little device (you may have heard of) called a cell phone.
Are you Christian?
Seriously? Christians are not allowed here. Go away. I don't care if you can pin your legs behind your ears. You and your hymns annoy me.
When a woman chooses to abort a pregnancy, should she be required to inform the father?
Just give me the bill and get on the pill, will you?
How willing would you be to try out new things sexually with a partner?
Does "new things" include food, hallucinogens, or Paris Hilton? OK, sign me up.
Do you think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?
Yes, as well as their upper lips, armpits, and bungholes.
Which is more offensive: book burning or flag burning?
Holy fucking shit! People do that??? They burn books? Jesus!
If you were in a serious relationship and you learned that your partner cheated on you one drunken night, could you forgive him/her?
Depends on whom she cheated with. I'll give her a pass for circus midgets, jockeys, and Brad Pitt.
Do you have a problem with racist jokes?
Yes, there aren't enough to go around.
If you were going to have a child, would you want the other parent to be of the same ethnicity as you?
OK, I'm Eye-talian, so I prefer either a hairy Greek woman or Puerto Rican with a dumper like J-Lo.
How often do you smoke cigarettes?
I don’t, but I only accept women who smoke marijuana, cigars, and cock.
Would you ever stop dating someone based on a rumor you heard about them?
Depends on the rumor. If the rumor is that she can hum Lady Gaga songs while delivering an excellent BJ, then I wouldn't.
Straight women who kiss or fondle each other in clubs in the hopes of attracting men are...
Lovely. Yes, I'm tearing up. They're so ... *sniff* ... cute. I wish I could rescue them all, but I can't. *sniff, snort, sob*
What kind of fidelity (being faithful) is more important to you?
Actually, my favorite fidelity is Hi. Hear that bass?
Do you like to be read to aloud?
Once upon a time, there was this silly site called OKCupid where desperate, horny people (like me) go to find casual sex and crumpets.
If you were in a serious relationship, would you mind if your significant other maintained an active profile on OkCupid?
Yes. I can't have her banging all sorts of toothless inbreds.
Do you and your ideal significant other enjoy making sarcastic jokes at each other's expense, knowing that it's all in good fun?
What's the most annoying part of a woman? The part attached to the vagina. Ha ha ha! I amuse the piss out of me. Ha ha!
Do you consider yourself to be an honorable person?
I always say please and thank you regarding blowjobs.
Would you consider dating someone who dislikes children?
Yes. Kids are noisy, they break things, and smell like spoiled milk. Yuck.
How would you feel if your partner asked you to get tested for STDs before having sex with you for the first time?
OK, as long as she gives me time to study. I'm not very good at tests.
Your significant other's ex is coming into town and he/she wants to go out to dinner with them alone. How do you react?
Unconcerned, because I will be going out to dinner with an ex of mine as soon as she gets off the brass pole.
If you were in a long-term monogamous relationship, would you consider your partner "open mouth" kissing someone else cheating?
Yes, if the guy she's kissing is balls-deep in her vagina at the time.
Would you consider having an open relationship, where you can see other people?
If she's slutty then I want to be slutty too, to be compatible.
Do you believe in monogamy?
I believe in one at a time, not one forever.
Would you prefer good things happened, or interesting things?
How about both? It would be both good and interesting if this were the last fucking question.
If one of your potential matches was overweight, would that be a deal breaker?
Sorry, my chunky monkey, I can't do it. My penis will not cooperate with a fatty. Maybe when I get fat someday.
You're in a romantic relationship with someone you really like. As far as you're concerned, how long will it take before you'll have sex?
Every date we wait gets me closer to dating somebody else.
Should evolution and creationism be taught side-by-side in public schools?
No. Go to a museum if your answer doesn't match, you automaton.
Are clams alive?
Yes, even bearded ones. So are snakes.
How important is it that a partner be capable of intelligent conversation?
Crucial. Otherwise, I might as well date the dead clam from the last question.
What is your quest?
What if I already found it, but every question I answer is tearing it from my grips?
How often do you meditate?
Daily. I usually bring reading material to my throne.
Are you careful with your money?
If you have a whole bunch then why be careful? Buy me a Ferrari, please.
How important is it to you that your partner smells good?
I hate stinky people. That's why I carry Lysol and Tic Tacs.
Are you attracted to dangerous situations?
How dangerous? I'll take an occasional risk and eat a cannoli.
Are you smarter than most people?
Oh, have a little pride will you? If you think you're stupid, you must be exceptionally stupid.
When is suicide okay?
Always. It's your life and this leaves more candy for me.
Would you consider connecting with someone whose relationship status is 'seeing someone' or 'married'?
If she's on this site answering all of these idiotic questions, her current relationship must suck.
Would you ever change your religion (or adopt one) because your significant other wanted you to?
What religion?
Do you Google someone before a first date?
Yes and I'll diddle them on the first date.
Would you—for any reason—read your mate's email or pose as him/her online, without his/her knowledge and permission?
Why? I'll only find penis enlargement emails anyway.
Which is worse: starving children or abused animals?
One answer choice is “Both are good”??? Really? What sick bastard is checking that box?
Your significant other is traveling and has the opportunity to stay with a good friend that you know they find to be very attractive. What's your stance on the situation?
Oh, hell no, but if they are both women, my answer will change.
How willing are you to meet someone from OkCupid in person?
Why the fuck else would I be wasting my weekend answering these stupid questions?
Are you a medical doctor or a scientist of some kind?
No, I give a mean exam, though.
How often are you open with your feelings?
I can't read your goddamn mind. Throw me a bone.
How much influence or control do your parents have over your life?
None. If your parents have any, they are playing evil tricks on you. Don't buy into it or you'll end up in therapy.
How much affection can you tolerate?
Lots! Bring it on! I want to squeeze your peaches.
How important is it to you to have your own unique "thing" (like a weekly Girls' Night Out or Guys' Movie Night) that you don't share with your partner(s)?
Very. Don't be a tumor. Find something to do. How about Bunco or needlepoint?
If you don't do anything at all for an entire day, how does that make you feel?
Awful. Sounds like death to me in which case I wouldn't feel anything, would I?
STALE is to STEAL as 89475 is to...
Don't be a dumbssa.
Does finding a long-term partner give you license to "let yourself go," (lower your standards of personal hygiene or appearance or gain large amounts of weight)?
No. Stop false advertising, you yo-yo dieter.
Ideally, how often would you have sex?
Daily. I'm going to have it either way, but my arm is getting tired.
How long do you want your next relationship to last?
I want it to last as long as nothing better is available.
How open are you to trying new things in bed?
If new things include putting things inside me (other than Scotch), please don't.
Does smoking disgust you?
It depends on the type of smoke and where it's coming from, doesn't it?
Which of these is likely to make you more nervous: a date or interview?
Date. At least it's OK to fart during an interview.
Do you like to cuddle?
Yes and spooning, knifing, forking ... all good.
How do you feel about falling in love?
Go ahead, break my heart!
Rate your self-confidence:
High and a hot chick with low confidence can be entertaining as long as none of my friends are around.
Would the world be a better place if people with low IQs were not allowed to reproduce?
I'm not condoning it, but I also can't deny it. The Palins must stop reproducing.
What's your deal with harder drugs (not marijuana)?
Jesus, are there a bunch of people with needles hanging from their arms on this site?
What is next in this series? 1, 4, 10, 19, 31, _
What's next in this series? Date 1, Date 2, s_x. You can buy a vowel, if necessary.
How frequently do you bathe or shower?
Daily. Don't be stinky. Remember: You can't smell your own, but I sure can.
Which of these sources do you turn to first for information about what is going on in politics: Fox, BBC, CNN?
There are so many better things to watch on TV, including a blank screen.
Would you date someone if you knew they were a current drug user?
Whatever she can take to make me cuter and her hornier I'm all for.
To you, is abortion an option in case of an unwanted accidental pregnancy?
Yes. It's a woman's body and her decision.
Do you keep a budget (of your finances)?
I keep a worn-out credit card.
If you were to die, would whoever goes through your personal belongings be shocked by what they find?
I hope so. If you don't have anything questionable in your possession then you're not living.
Should burning your country's flag be illegal?
Yes, and so should sacrificing goats and burning witches.
Which best represents your opinion of same-sex relationships?
Fine, as long as it ain't this guy.
Which is bigger, the earth or sun?
Don't be a dimwit. Oh, and how big is Uranus?
Which is closer to your view on the role of religion in government?
The government should not encourage delusion, but if people need a god to behave themselves, so be it. They still should pay taxes like everyone else.
How important is religion/God in your life?
Not. What if I said that Santa or Thor were important in my life? I live for Snoopy.
How long do your romantic relationships usually last?
Not long, but you can't judge my future success by my past performance ... look at Tiger Woods. Nyah.
Do you generally smile at little kids who cross your path?
No, I try not to knee them in the forehead.
Do you believe that people have a civic duty to vote?
Yes, but if you don't know what you're voting for then stay the hell home and deal with what the majority chooses without whining about it.
How often do you use Facebook?
Often. Don't give me that uppity crap about how you don't use Facebook, tweet, or watch TV. Ew!
Are you looking for a partner to have children with?
One step at a time, there skippy. Let's practice first.
Have you ever had a sexual encounter with someone of the same sex?
All penises and balls are repulsive ... except for mine, which are quite lovely, actually.
How much can intelligence turn you on?
Stupid people should be neutered.
How important are your political beliefs to you?
They're not really beliefs, are they? They're freaking opinions and mine are always right, as are yours.
Are you vegetarian or vegan?
I avoid meat because it enlarges my muffin top and gives me acne, but you go right ahead and chow down on that veal if it makes you happy, there sister.
How would you describe yourself, politically?
Look around, people! Sarah freaking Palin was nearly a clogged artery from president and that's some scary shit right there.
How often do you tweet?
I prefer to growl as tweeting annoys my felines.
Would you need to sleep with someone before you considered marrying them?
I ain't buyin' nuthin I cain't try on first, dang it.
Which of these options most closely describes what you're looking for in your next relationship?
Someone to come home to, unless one of us has a very roomy backseat, tinted windows, and disposable sex towels.
What's your relationship with marijuana?
We're good friends. Wait, pass the Doritos, will ya?
Do you space out or daydream a lot?
It's my job to space out. If necessary, I'm OK with drug-induced trances as well. Ohmmmm.
To you, which adjective best describes hopeless, unrequited love?
How about the adjective: fake, but fun?
How often do you brush your teeth?
Seriously? If people wince when you speak, go fucking floss, will ya?
Is contraception morally wrong?
What?! Are you freaking kidding me? I don't need any expensive surprises. I'm also OK with oral sex as contraception.
Politically, which are more important to you right now, social or economic issues?
Both and if you like Bush(es), please move along to the next profile. I’m not interested.
Is it a requirement that you communicate with your significant other daily, in some way (phone, email, in person, etc.)?
Don't be a damn nag. I hate cell phones because my cell service sucks ... and I ... hear ... breaks up.
How often do you keep your promises?
I avoid making promises and thereby avoid disappointment.
Are you happy with your life?
Yes and if you're depressed, go get therapy and drugs before whining to me.
If you had to name your greatest motivation in life thus far, what would it be: Love, Wealth, Expression, or Knowledge?
Don't be a greedy bastard and say wealth. How can expression be a motivation, anyway? That is stupid. See, I just expressed myself.
Which makes for a better relationship, passion or dedication?
If passion exists, the rest can be worked out, unless you’re in prison.

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