What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Matchmaker


      I wonder if I have a large enough following to play electronic Cupid? People can enlist my services to find a mate from amongst my 25,000 fans and their extended reach. Hm. This could be more lucrative than selling my old electronics on eBay. All right, let me give it a shot and let’s see what sort of response I get when I recommend a female friend. Do I have clout or not?
      My first subject is a darling specimen. (Please don’t expect me to post her name or photo here, because she’d definitely punch me in the pee pee.) Keep in mind that these are my subjective estimates, so add suitable buffers based on your pickiness.
      Attributes:
·         She’s in the San Diego area.
·         Mid-thirties.
·         Petite, somewhere around 5’3”.
·         Light brownish straight hair, shoulder blade length.
·         Intelligent (works in sales).
·         Natural with no tattoos (that I know of).
·         Sports fan.
·         Drinks socially, doesn’t smoke.
·         Very social, lots of friends.
·         Resembles (I really suck at this part) - OK, closest I could find from IMDb Fresh Faces is Basia A'Hern.
She Likes:
·         Tall, dark-haired, fit, athletic build.
·         Must be a gentleman.
·         Financially responsible.
·         Mid to late thirties.
·         Loyal.
·         Prefers to spend lots of time together.
      So, why don’t I date her? Because I’m too old. Plus, she wants to get married someday and perhaps have a kid or two. Oh, hell no. Hence, I’ll play the role of supportive friend and Cupid and see what sort of man-beast I can drum up. Hey, I’m no Patti Stanger, but I usually have a good eye for matches and mismatches.
      Here’s your job, dear reader. You must know of at least one single man fitting that criteria. Recommend him to me, I’ll screen his Facebook profile for undesirable qualities, such as a handlebar mustache, unibrow, or cowboy hat. Naturally, there is no electronic test for halitosis, tongue piercing, and dirty toenails, but I’m sure I can find enough info online to determine if he’s worthy of an introduction.
      This is so exciting. I suddenly crave strawberries and buttery chardonnay.
      Think of the sense of fulfillment we’ll have when we match my client up with Mr. Wonderful? All in time for Valantine’s Day too! If this works, I’m going to start accepting PayPal and splitting the profits with my fellow Cupids.
      Now, scoot ... do your homework and let’s create fireworks.

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