What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Left Unsaid


      There are things better left unsaid. That said, I’m going to say them. I can’t cause any offense by saying them here because I’m saying they shouldn’t be said. Get it? For example, if I say men should never use the word “moist” around women, I’m exonerated although I have obviously just used the word around women. Context is everything.
      I’ll begin with things ladies should not say to their men.
1.      “We need to talk.” – Any conversation beginning with that sentence isn’t going to be pleasant.
2.      “What was the bet you lost?” – Granted, this is more subtle than asking him outright why he is dressed like a teenager, clown, or Grandpa on a cruise, but the sarcasm stings.
3.      “Did you remember …” – Don’t be rhetorical.
4.      “Have you ever had a lover’s finger up your ass?” – It’s not the same.
5.      “You didn’t need me to save [insert invaluable item], did you?” – Whether it’s an episode of True Blood, his baseball card collection, or that cap he always wears, yes, he did.
6.      “You can’t imagine how big his unit was.” – Mentioning the lump that was once in your throat will probably create a lump in his.
7.      “My ex never took issue with my …” – Yes, he did.
8.      “I signed us up for a class.” – Unless it involves swinging a bat, racquet, or club, he has no interest in going back to school. OK, one other exception: beer making.
9.      “The car is making a funny noise.” – Funny to whom? The mechanic?
10.  “My friend, [insert name of annoying pest], says we should …” – Who asked her for advice?
11.  “Your phone buzzed while you were in the shower, so I checked the message.” – Start packing.
12.  “I ran into my ex last night.” – The next sentence will downplay the meeting, to no avail.
13.  “Does this dress make me look fat?” – No, your fat makes you look fat.
14.  “Maybe you should consider shaving your head.” – Why, thank you. I’ll leave the shavings in your sink every morning.
15.  “Did you know that most women need more than fifteen minutes of stimulation to have an orgasm?” – Is that cumulative? Two minutes a night for about a week should get you there.
      Women are more sensitive, so men must be extra-careful when speaking. Men, just shut yer yaps before you say:
1.      “Damn, look at the butt on Joyce. She must be doing squats.” – Thus insinuating that your plank-assed woman is doing squat.
2.      “I’ll pull out. I promise.” – Oopsie.
3.      “Do you have any ones?” – She knows they are destined for some tramp’s g-string.
4.      “Honey, come take a look at this. Is shit supposed to be green?” – A courtesy flush is in order.
5.      “This shirt makes me look buff, huh.” – No, it makes you look like someone who sat in front of the mirror admiring himself, making us late.
6.      “They hired this new chick at work. All the boys are drooling over her.” – Be prepared to be called by her name in a future nookie session.
7.      “Would you look at the picture on that TV? It’s like staring out a window.” – There goes a year’s worth of hair-coloring.
8.      “Can we put porn on while we do it? That might help me.” – Oh, brother.
9.      “Do you really need another pair of shoes?” – Yes, she does and if you forbid her, you will pay.
10.  “I can’t understand why anyone watches this crap.” – Typically asked right before the joystick is picked up and he begins shooting aliens.
11.  “Wow, I didn’t even realize you got a haircut.” – Not noticing is not good.
12.  “How cute! Did you know your left boob is bigger than your right one? Ha, ha, ha.” – Grab a mirror and have a gander at your lopsided balls.
13.  “I thought women liked it when men rip their panties off.” – Not the thirty-dollar brands, you idiot.
14.  “Why must you keep putting that shiny stuff on your lips?” – Well, you just gave her one fewer reason to.
15.   “It doesn’t hurt. My ex used to love it.” – Then let me try it on you first.

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