What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

In a Relationship

When people announce to the world that they are in a relationship, what’s the reason? Are they hoping friends will be happy for them or cyber-stalkers will back off? It’s almost as annoying as a wedding invitation.
“Great. There goes a Saturday. Now I have to find a date, get a gift, dust off a suit, and throw up in my mouth as I watch the newlyweds gush. Plus, my date will become misty-eyed, feel like a complete failure because she’s unwed, and then require hours of emotional propping from Uncle Phil.”
I guess that’s why I get so annoyed with the status update on Facebook. The little heart icon next to the update gives me the urge to take my Louisville Slugger to my monitor. If you are single, you understand. If you are in a relationship, you probably think this is a sign of jealously and frustration about my relationship failures.
Wrong.
It’s similar to when people start making out at the bar. “I get it already! You’re a happy couple. Yay for you. Why don’t you take your slobbering adolescent asses outside and screw in your car? Imagine how uncomfortable you’d feel if porn suddenly came on the TV behind the bar. Yep, that’s exactly how I feel watching you oblivious meatheads suck face.”
All right, maybe I am a bit angry.
Do I announce on my status update how single I am? No. I could. In fact, there are numerous reasons why my being single is superior to being in a relationship. Here are just a few:
·         If I’m not in the mood, that makes two of me.
·         I always have simultaneous orgasms with myself and never have to fake it.
·         I get to keep the other half.
·         I only have one set of relatives to impress.
·         I don’t get upset over what I write.
·         I’m not jealous and insecure—wondering where my mate is tonight.
·         Nobody eats my leftovers.
·         I use four fewer rolls of toilet paper every week.
I’m going to begin doing it. I’m going to post a relationship status update every morning until all of my happily coupled friends de-friend me. Perhaps one or two of them will think, Gee, I wonder why this annoys me so. Maybe this is why Phil posts these updates—to show me how annoying I am. Hm. OK, I guess I’ll go back to posting status updates about how God blessed me today.
Don’t … you … dare.
Here are some future status updates my fellow bachelors and spinsters are free to borrow.
[Insert your name] is NOT in a relationship, and …
·         … isn’t interested in being in one, so stop nagging me.
·         … it doesn’t suck.
·         … it’s not the slightest bit complicated.
·         … I just saved 50% on dinner, child support, and car insurance.
·         … my mother reminds me often enough, thank you very much.
·         … if you’re tempted to set me up with someone, please don’t.
·         … I have options.
·         … I’m finding that pets are much easier to take care of than humans are.
·         … birth control is so much easier this way.
·         … odds are you’ll be joining me soon.

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