What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Constant Contact


I consistently disappoint during the chase phase of courtships. Perhaps I have become old and slow. Even after I ask for directions, I get lost. Once the first date is over, what types of communication are expected? How often do you expect your man to contact you? How can he safely straddle the line between being aloof and being a stalker?
I wish my woman would hand me a prescription detailing the dosage required to retain my access. Would this work?
The recommended dosage* is as follows:
___ emails sent during work hours.
___ text messages sent in the morning within an hour before work.
___ text messages sent after work.
_0_ text messages sent after 11 P.M.
___ phone calls during lunch break (duration minimum: five minutes).
___ phone calls on the commute home from work (duration minimum: ten minutes).
___ phone calls before bedtime (duration minimum: twenty minutes).
_0_ phone calls after 11 P.M. (if you’re drunk).
_0_ phone calls after 11 P.M. (if you’re horny).
_0_ phone calls after 11 P.M. (if you need a ride home).
___ phone calls after 11 P.M. (if I’m any of the above and left you a message to call me ASAP; you have five minutes to comply).
*DANGER: If you do not adhere to the recommended dosages, you may experience the following side effects:
·         An inaccessible vagina.
·         A missing vagina.
·         An occupied vagina.
·         Facebook de-friending.
·         My ex-boyfriend’s car in the driveway.
·         A sore back from sleeping on the sofa.
·         A resetting of the blowjob account credits to zero.
·         Notification that my online dating profile has been unhidden.
·         Declined charges on our credit cards due to credit limit exhaustion and numerous empty brown bags and shoeboxes in the foyer.
·         Unanswered contacts.
·         A visit from my mother.
·         A pile of laundry, sink full of dishes, and list of household chores you are to complete within the next 24 hours.
This is serious stuff. How did it ever pass FDA scrutiny? I’d almost rather suffer other frequently mentioned effects such as bloating, diarrhea, and blurred vision. Ah, wait a minute—the fine print.
In case of an unattended erection lasting more than two weeks, the following may offset the side effects:
·         A daily fresh flower delivery, excluding cheap roses and baby’s breath from the grocery store, you cheap prick.
·         The presentation of evidence justifying the disobedience. This includes a smashed cell phone, broken limbs, incarceration, a notarized document stating that the Tiffany store you were in had no cell coverage, a keyboard fried by spilled coffee, or a stack of boxes containing the designer clothing you spent the day buying for me.
·         Begging and pleading while providing a thirty-minute foot massage.
·         Reservations for a spa weekend for my sister and me.
Dinner waiting for me when I get home from work, including a buttery chardonnay, salad (dressing on the side, please), lobster bisque, grilled salmon, and something chocolate.

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