What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Betty Stoner

As I float around my kitchen on this national (well, it should be) holiday, odd thoughts enter my mind. They’re sort of random. Not that they’re born out of boredom—just vacancy. I’ve done some mental spring-cleaning and made room for arbitrary thoughts.
  1. How does pot taste when sprinkled on top of pizza? Hey, oregano is tasty so why wouldn’t pot be tasty? I’m going to Pizza Port tonight with my own personal baggie.
  2. What’s that blue reflector doing in the middle of the street? The rest are yellow or white. WTF? OK, I’ll Google it. Stand by. Ah, it marks the location of a fire hydrant. I was hoping it was some satellite homing device assisting the delivery of my Publisher’s Clearing House winnings. *sigh*
  3. Why does Symon (orange cat) make a noise when he yawns? For that matter, why do humans do that? Can’t we just exhale?
  4. Now that my balls are disconnected, where are all of my sperm going? They’re lost and confused. This makes me sad. What if they travel to my lungs and I sneeze. If I don’t cover my mouth, could I get any fertile woman within ten feet pregnant?
  5. When they legalize it, will bars be able to sell Marijuana Mojitos? Oh … my … freaking … GAWD! How awesome would that be?
  6. Does Puerto Rican pussy taste like tacos? Jesus, where did that come from? Sorry. I’ll take a few online diversity classes.
  7. What’s Venus Williams like in the sack? I bet she’s rough. Oh, she’d toss me around like a sweaty towel. Sounds like love to me.
  8. How often do women masturbate? What do they think about when they do it? And, do they ever do it while driving? I’m going with: Daily, Firemen, and Yes.
  9.  Is it wrong to fantasize about a character who is underage if she is played by and actress of legal age? I may need to go up to the booth for a ruling, but Haley from Modern Family gives me evil thoughts and lumpage. I apologize. If you have a penis, you can relate. If you don’t … again, I am sorry.
  10. Since I can smell the cigarette smoke from the smoker in the car in front of me, can people in the car behind me smell my farts? Well, if so, they should consider themselves blessed by my rosy emissions.
  11.  In the history of humanity, has anyone ever had heterosexual (of course, the other type has happened) sex in a public gym sauna? That would be gross unless it involved me.
  12.  How much time do the Kardashians spend watching The Kardashians? The producers should record a segment showing them watching themselves, watching themselves. It would be recursive hilarity … or not.
  13.  Why is it illegal to pee on the side of the road, but legal to pee your pants in public? When ya gotta go, ya gotta go. You know?
  14.  Who watches women’s sports? I can understand beach volleyball, but the rest of them make no sense to me.
  15.  Why, in rap songs, is every rhyming word emphasized? So, you can RHYME. Don’t brag and waste my TIME. Ain’t no big SHIT. Websites help you do IT.
  16. Why are men fascinated by disproportionate asses? Have you seen the dumper on Nicki Minaj? Christ! First J-Lo, then Kim K, and now this. Where are we heading? I prefer my rumpus to be slightly less bulbous.
  17. To whom are homeless people taking? There was one fellow I saw yesterday who was playing air guitar (making all of the typical lead guitarist faces). He then switch to what I assume was air saxophone. Then he told somebody (me) that the end is near. I sure hope so.

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