What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, April 15, 2011

Ailse Pass


      Why aren’t you married? (Read: What the heck is wrong with you?) This simple question carries serious implications behind the veiled compliment about how wonderful you are. I see through it. The person asking this question has ulterior motives. This person is either trying to convince you (more likely, herself) she’s superior or you’re flawed. She has succeeded and you have failed. I don’t like her attitude. She deserves a pinch.
      So, why aren’t you married?
      The implication:
·         You’re too picky.
·         You’re unattractive.
·         The type of man you want is way out of your league.
·         You’re too uptight.
·         You’d rather sleep around.
·         You’re self-centered.
·         You’re jaded. Some man shattered your dreams and expectations.
·         You’re lazy and wasting time.
·         You’re too engrossed in your career.
·         You’re a horrible lover.
·         The man you’re dating is a player--unwilling to commit.
·         You date losers.
·         You’re sad and lonely.
      The truth:
·         You don’t want to be tied to one man.
·         You realize that marriage doesn’t guarantee fidelity.
·         You feel complete without a man.
·         If you decide to procreate, you can and you will decide how significant a role the father plays.
·         You haven’t met any worthwhile men.
·         When you want (never “need”) a man, you can have a man.
·         You enjoy men who are not the marrying type.
·         You’ve already done the marriage thing and need a repeat performance as badly as braces, teenage acne, or having your wisdom teeth pulled.
·         You don’t let friends or family members decide what you do with your vagina.
·         It’s too permanent. You prefer to enjoy today without the pressures of tomorrow.
·         It’s expensive.
·         Roommates are annoying.
·         You treasure your privacy.
·         You don’t want those alimony checks to stop coming.
      The sarcastic response the person asking deserves:
·         Because I see what it does to married couples.
·         Bwaah, ha, ha, ha! That’s a good one!
·         How do you know I’m not?
·         I don’t have enough room in my backyard to bury another husband.
·         Because my boyfriend is already married.
·         I have a dog, a rabbit, and an AAA card.
·         Sounds to me like someone's jealous.
·         I only have three months to live and can’t bear putting a husband through the agony.
·         See that hot guy across the bar? I could fuck him tonight. Could you?
·         So people like you can live vicariously. Do you ever fantasize about my single life when you attempt to straddle that relic of yours?
·         Shh. Listen. That’s the sound of my husband not nagging me.
·         Half the laundry and twice the closet space.
·         Because a palm reader once told me I’d be single the rest of my life.
·         I applied to be on The Bachelor so I can find true love.
·         I did a sex tape and I’m worried a husband-to-be would find it.

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